A simple thank you
I was raised by women. Womyn. Womon. What have you.
There always was a majority of women surrounding me as I grew up. Strong ones. Courageous ones. Single ones, married ones, divorced ones. I can safely say most of them have been role models, in spite of everything classified as 'hurtful' which happens in every families. My mother, grandmother, my cousin, my aunt, some of my high school teachers, my dance teachers, my friends, even new virtual friends. Some of them were part of the first wave feminist movement, some of them are belonging to the second wave, some are apolitical, some are activists. All of them are inspiring in their own personal, unique ways. All of them are role models. All of them impress me and encourage me.
I never had a male father figure to look up to, except for my grandfather who was a great man. My father was absent and I think it's relatively safe to say he's a stranger. While I deeply regret it, and while I am clear minded enough to clearly see it led to major breakdowns and serious incapacity to understand the male psyché at times, I don't feel sorry or bad one second to have been brought up like I was, by women.It gave me freedom, passion, and the audacity to stand up for myself and not through someone else's accomplishments. It turned me into a powerful human being, albeit with its inherent flaws and prejudices which I am always, always trying to work on.
It is hard to try to become a better person day after day, but it is what I long for. It is complicated, and a lot of internal work has yet to be done when it comes to learning how to react to men's ways. Learning how to adjust to a partiarchal and heteronormative society, learning to take the good and the bad, is quite a ride. But I believe it to be worth it in the long run. So I keep on trying.
During my teenage years up until now my mother always invited me to dinners or gathering she was having with her friends.
Because my mother is quite remarkably young in her head (her spirit is more rock n roll than most our age, and I blame the fact that she travelled an awful lots in her life for that), her friends range from 25 years old young teachers to 55 years old university professors, from muslims and catholic women to hardcore atheists. For years and years I would sit at their table in their homes or restaurants and listen to them.
Discussions about men, about marriages, about disapointments, betrayals, children, babies, about learning, grieg and joys.At first I would not talk much, for even if I am a big mouth, I felt I was too young to have a valid opinion about those things. As years went by, I began to find my own 'voice' and use it. Sharing opinions, ideas. Sometimes arguing and fighting. Sometimes smiling from ear to ear in blissful agreement.
Some would vocally regret their marriage, whishing they had the courage to divorce and set themselves free. Some would say they couldn't live without their husbands and were perfectly happy. Some would only find joy in their children, hobbies, or work.
A couple of days ago we were having dinner at my mother's best friend house. We were all talking about M and I's respective future (M being the best friend's daughter, 2 years younger than me, whom I have known my entire life). They were talking about how we both changed throughout the years, becoming the women we are now.'
We are strong, educated, driven women for sure', I said. 'But also slightly desillusioned when it comes to partnership'.
'What do you mean?' asked my mother's friend.
'Well I feel having grown up around you all has been hugely benefiting to me. To us. I learned to never trust anyone but myself. I learned to set goals for myself. And myself only. To not depend on anyone else for my happiness, even if it's hard to do. To make sure I will have a job and be independant, and will not be trapped in a miserable or abusive relationship. To find things outside a husband that will make me feel complete. To give the finger to society's prejudices. To be what I wanted to be. That's more than most of your generation's women have been able to do'.
'And that's a good thing right?'
'Well yes. But the drawback is, preparing us for the worst have, I think, also prepared us to always be let down by men. To always anticipate infidelity, betrayal, lack of trust, sudden dissapearances. I also know a lot of women my generation feel the same way. We're better prepared in terms of independance if ever sh!t hits the fan, but we also lost our illusions'.
'Jessica, you need to have a reality check', she replied very seriously. 'Weddings are great but in the future i predict women will have many partners in their lives, even very serious ones. Because women and men are now given the choice to break off their mutual engagement, instead of having to suffer a lifelong disastrous marriage which often made both parties miserable. What is the divorce rate nowadays? One in four?'
'I know, I know! I guess maybe a small part of me just wants to think that sharing 50 years a more of my life with a partner or maybe husband sounds good. Maybe it sounds reassuring, which would make me lazy. Maybe it's just romantic, which I am even if I try very very hard to hide. But I want to believe that love is out there. I'm tired of always anticipating to be let down. Quite frankly it ruins the relationships.'
'Yes, I hear you'
'...Even if most of the times I end up feeling let down. But I'm young and hopeful and people will change. I will change.', I laughed.
And it felt good to be understood, as well as challenged. It is part of what it takes to truly become a woman. The whole learning process. The discussions, the debates, the shared experiences. It is extremely empowering. That's correct the word.
I will never forget a night in Vancouver I spent with my ex boyfriend P. (then still a journalism student) and so-called influent journalists. It was a brainstorming meeting concerning the Straight's future, I believe.
One of the journalist/editor, whose work I still greatly respect, told P:
'Hey, who cares, you'll end up with a great carreer if you want to. You have all the right cards in hands. You are a white, tall, good looking middle class man. The world is waiting for you'.
Part of me wanted to spit in his face for having the composure to say something so discriminatory in front of me, but part of me wanted to say 'Hell, you're right, he'll have it easy. You had it easy. But at least I'll know how to fight. And if I fight well, I'll have your job'.
There always was a majority of women surrounding me as I grew up. Strong ones. Courageous ones. Single ones, married ones, divorced ones. I can safely say most of them have been role models, in spite of everything classified as 'hurtful' which happens in every families. My mother, grandmother, my cousin, my aunt, some of my high school teachers, my dance teachers, my friends, even new virtual friends. Some of them were part of the first wave feminist movement, some of them are belonging to the second wave, some are apolitical, some are activists. All of them are inspiring in their own personal, unique ways. All of them are role models. All of them impress me and encourage me.
I never had a male father figure to look up to, except for my grandfather who was a great man. My father was absent and I think it's relatively safe to say he's a stranger. While I deeply regret it, and while I am clear minded enough to clearly see it led to major breakdowns and serious incapacity to understand the male psyché at times, I don't feel sorry or bad one second to have been brought up like I was, by women.It gave me freedom, passion, and the audacity to stand up for myself and not through someone else's accomplishments. It turned me into a powerful human being, albeit with its inherent flaws and prejudices which I am always, always trying to work on.
It is hard to try to become a better person day after day, but it is what I long for. It is complicated, and a lot of internal work has yet to be done when it comes to learning how to react to men's ways. Learning how to adjust to a partiarchal and heteronormative society, learning to take the good and the bad, is quite a ride. But I believe it to be worth it in the long run. So I keep on trying.
During my teenage years up until now my mother always invited me to dinners or gathering she was having with her friends.
Because my mother is quite remarkably young in her head (her spirit is more rock n roll than most our age, and I blame the fact that she travelled an awful lots in her life for that), her friends range from 25 years old young teachers to 55 years old university professors, from muslims and catholic women to hardcore atheists. For years and years I would sit at their table in their homes or restaurants and listen to them.
Discussions about men, about marriages, about disapointments, betrayals, children, babies, about learning, grieg and joys.At first I would not talk much, for even if I am a big mouth, I felt I was too young to have a valid opinion about those things. As years went by, I began to find my own 'voice' and use it. Sharing opinions, ideas. Sometimes arguing and fighting. Sometimes smiling from ear to ear in blissful agreement.
Some would vocally regret their marriage, whishing they had the courage to divorce and set themselves free. Some would say they couldn't live without their husbands and were perfectly happy. Some would only find joy in their children, hobbies, or work.
A couple of days ago we were having dinner at my mother's best friend house. We were all talking about M and I's respective future (M being the best friend's daughter, 2 years younger than me, whom I have known my entire life). They were talking about how we both changed throughout the years, becoming the women we are now.'
We are strong, educated, driven women for sure', I said. 'But also slightly desillusioned when it comes to partnership'.
'What do you mean?' asked my mother's friend.
'Well I feel having grown up around you all has been hugely benefiting to me. To us. I learned to never trust anyone but myself. I learned to set goals for myself. And myself only. To not depend on anyone else for my happiness, even if it's hard to do. To make sure I will have a job and be independant, and will not be trapped in a miserable or abusive relationship. To find things outside a husband that will make me feel complete. To give the finger to society's prejudices. To be what I wanted to be. That's more than most of your generation's women have been able to do'.
'And that's a good thing right?'
'Well yes. But the drawback is, preparing us for the worst have, I think, also prepared us to always be let down by men. To always anticipate infidelity, betrayal, lack of trust, sudden dissapearances. I also know a lot of women my generation feel the same way. We're better prepared in terms of independance if ever sh!t hits the fan, but we also lost our illusions'.
'Jessica, you need to have a reality check', she replied very seriously. 'Weddings are great but in the future i predict women will have many partners in their lives, even very serious ones. Because women and men are now given the choice to break off their mutual engagement, instead of having to suffer a lifelong disastrous marriage which often made both parties miserable. What is the divorce rate nowadays? One in four?'
'I know, I know! I guess maybe a small part of me just wants to think that sharing 50 years a more of my life with a partner or maybe husband sounds good. Maybe it sounds reassuring, which would make me lazy. Maybe it's just romantic, which I am even if I try very very hard to hide. But I want to believe that love is out there. I'm tired of always anticipating to be let down. Quite frankly it ruins the relationships.'
'Yes, I hear you'
'...Even if most of the times I end up feeling let down. But I'm young and hopeful and people will change. I will change.', I laughed.
And it felt good to be understood, as well as challenged. It is part of what it takes to truly become a woman. The whole learning process. The discussions, the debates, the shared experiences. It is extremely empowering. That's correct the word.
----------------------
I will never forget a night in Vancouver I spent with my ex boyfriend P. (then still a journalism student) and so-called influent journalists. It was a brainstorming meeting concerning the Straight's future, I believe.
One of the journalist/editor, whose work I still greatly respect, told P:
'Hey, who cares, you'll end up with a great carreer if you want to. You have all the right cards in hands. You are a white, tall, good looking middle class man. The world is waiting for you'.
Part of me wanted to spit in his face for having the composure to say something so discriminatory in front of me, but part of me wanted to say 'Hell, you're right, he'll have it easy. You had it easy. But at least I'll know how to fight. And if I fight well, I'll have your job'.
posted by Boris at 6:40 PM
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